Kina's Crack Project
by tsuki akina
Summary: For fun, I put 32 names of characters in a jar. Whenever I can I will draw out two names and, no matter what, write a story about those characters. Various and some very crack parings, possible shonenai, shoujoai, Uchihacest, whatever!
1. Introduction

**Kina-chan's Crack Project**

As I seem to have been afflicted with some writer's block in days of late, I have not been able to work on my story, Konoha Academy. (I guess it's no loss anyway. XD;) Thus, I decided to do the following: I wrote down 32 names of characters from Naruto, none too obscure, and put them in a jar. Every day I can, I will draw two names and, no matter what, write SOMETHING about them. The length will depend on how much time I have and how much I actually care for the couple I choose. (I don't really like writing shonen-ai and shoujo-ai so those chapters will probably be short.)

This is for a couple of purposes, I guess. As I said, it's to do something about my annoying writer's block. It's also to help me with my creativity (some of these pairings are going to require a lot to make them justified oo). And I just felt like doing something random.

I call this my crack project because some of these are going to be pretty…weird. Iruka x Tsunade, for one. Sasuke x Chouji. And I have no idea what I'm going to do when it comes to Jiraiya or Orochimaru. XD Some of these might get a bit OOC…not much I can do about it. :3 I'll do my best, in MOST cases, to make them seem…right…?

So! Let the random pairings begin!

**- kina-chan**


	2. Yondaime x Kurenai

**First pairing I pulled out of the jar. The Yondaime and Kurenai. Gah. Well, I think I managed to make it somewhat believable…since he's dead and all, I didn't really think there could be a relationship between them without it being all…perverted, so it's one-sided.**

**And I did my best with the timeline. It was sort of difficult because we don't know how old the Yondaime was when he became Hokage, or when he died, but, well, I tried. I ended up having to go back and change stuff because I realized Kurenai graduated from the Academy at the age of 9, making her a genin when the majority of this story takes place. And I actually didn't know that Kakashi is younger than her, so I had to change that too. Then there are a ton of other age issues that I really didn't feel like fighting with. If you feel like being all nitpicky, go ahead, but for the sake of this story (it's just a oneshot, after all!) I advise you just not to worry about it. Hehehe.**

**So, enjoy my first crack pairing! XD;**

**- kina-chan**

* * *

**Yondaime x Kurenai (...it doesn't really have any title)**

She'd been watching him for as long as she could remember. She, who scorned all her fellow genins' talk of "crushes" and averted her eyes from their moony gazes.

"Who do you like, Kurenai?" they'd ask her when they were together, enclosing her in a circle of curious eyes.

"No one," she'd reply from behind a shoulder-length curtain of coarse black hair.

"Who? Who?" they'd press on.

"I don't like anyone," she insist, red eyes snapping. Then they'd leave her alone to laugh about how boring she was and how no boy would ever like her anyway. That is, until the next day, when the inquiries would begin all over again.

It was true that she didn't care about boys like they did. She'd rather collect kunai than nail polish, would rather knock out a guy than kiss him. While the other girls talked about new shoes and the hottest fashions in the magazines, she secretly coveted the faded green vest of a chuunin. And the only modification she desired for her hair was to have a glistening hitai-ate peeping out from behind it.

But somehow these thoughts were forgotten when it came to him.

He was a tall man. His body was not large or particularly strong, but he had a powerful presence all the same. His blue eyes were no doubt his most defining feature; when he spoke they managed to display both a sense of understanding and gentle inquisition. And he was hardly aware that Kurenai existed.

She knew this for a fact. Why would he know of her? She was nothing but a lowly genin. She had been far from the bottom of her class in the Academy, but not _quite_ at the top either. He was a jounin and quite elite from what the villagers said. Some even speculated that with the gradual but obvious aging of the Sandaime, he could even be the next Hokage. Every time she heard this rumour Kurenai couldn't help but wonder what the life of the Hokage's wife would be like.

Watching him had become part of her daily routine now. She departed from her home just before he walked past it on his way to train. The narrow yard beside the house made a convenient location to hide and observe his confident stride. Once she was sure he had passed, she would cautiously creep out and study his retreating figure. She wasn't like the stupid girls in her class who giggled over boys' rear ends—Kurenai wrinkled her nose at that sort of vulgarity. No, it was that she loved to watch as he made his way along the street, greeting every citizen he happened upon. It was this quality alone that would make him Hokage one day, Kurenai was sure.

There had been just one time when unpreventable circumstances had forced her out the door two minutes later than usual. In her hurry she had nearly been involved in a head-on collision with him. He calmly hushed her frantic, garbled apologies, laughed cheerfully and continued following his route. This, however, was not before he gave her a smile that made her twelve-year-old heart thump and even her sensible mind admit was amazing. Then she'd wandered along in a daze that was immediately picked up by the other kunoichi. She paid them no heed; long ago she'd vowed never to let them learn of her secret.

He also had a genin team, she knew well. On it was the boy everyone always talked about, the son of the notable White Fang of Konoha—Hatake Kakashi. A true prodigy, they called him. A genius, even. There was also the boy Obito of the prestigious Uchiha clan. The people talked about him, too. The last person on his team was a kunoichi, Rin. Kurenai couldn't figure out why the only time people mentioned her was when they were talking about the whole team. Didn't Rin deserve some mention too?

She had to admit she was jealous of these people who got to spend so much time with him. She knew the way she felt was foolish—there had to be at least a twenty year age gap between them. All she knew was that when she saw of him, or thought of him, she almost wished she cared more about her appearance, or the way she acted. Still, she knew there was no way in the world there could or would be anything between them.

* * *

She was an older and wiser seventeen years old when the Sandaime decided to resign from his position. The person he chose as his successor came as no surprise to anybody. He was the obvious person for the job—some thought of him as the greatest shinobi Konoha had ever produced, if not the greatest shinobi in the world. 

She stood together with the rest of the Chuunin at the ceremony, just one in the crowd. Over the last years she had conceded that not all the aspects of paying attention to one's image were negative, and it showed. The people of the village often remarked on what a pleasant surprise it was how such a beauty had bloomed from this awkward child. Indeed, her face bore only the scars of taijutsu rather than the usual teenage spots and blemishes. The males around her had finally noticed her sinuous raven locks and the intriguing glow in her red eyes. However, she coolly rejected all their advances. She no longer looked on him the way she had five years previously, but no one else succeeded in capturing her attention. That being said, she wasn't unhappy. She was set in her ways and no one person could change them that easily.

And then one day again, a couple of weeks later, she was coming out of her house, about to leave for a mission. In a rush, she slammed directly into a person going down the street in the opposite direction. She looked up. It was him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I?" he said with genuine concern.

She shook her head. In spite of herself, her cheeks flamed.

"That's good," he replied. "You're Yuuhi Kurenai?"

Somehow she found your voice. "Yes. Yes, I am."

"Good." His expression was of relief. "I mean, now as Hokage I suddenly have to remember the names of everyone in the village and then some. You have no idea what an undertaking—" He stopped short. "I'm sorry. You don't need to know all my tribulations."

"It's okay," she croaked out. She knew she didn't like him that way anymore, that hopeless twelve-year-old way, but to hear him call her by name after all the time was almost too much. As much as she didn't wish to, she knew she had to end this conversation. "I'm…late for a mission."

"That's right, the one to Rain," he responded. "I'm sorry to delay you."

"It's okay," she mumbled.

He turned to depart. "Good luck, Kurenai," he said.

Before he walked away he smiled at her.

* * *

**So, did I justify it enough? Hehe. It was sort of...bleh. Oh well. Review, please, I want to know how my...creativity worked out. I doubt they're all going to be this long...well, this isn't THAT long, but, well...you know what I mean?**


	3. Sai AND Sandaime

**Second chapter and already I'm breaking my own rules. Yesterday morning before school I took my jar and, without looking, pulled out two names. Then I looked at the first one. Sarutobi. Geh. Either way it was going to be weird. And then I looked at the second name: Sai. Geh again. Right away I knew I wasn't going to make a pairing out of this… there's an age difference of, like, fifty years, one of them's DEAD and I have no idea why they would even know each other anyway. So I contented myself (and hopefully you people) by just making it a story ABOUT both of them. Hope that's fine, hehe.**

**So, yeah. I don't know (or couldn't remember) if Sai knows about the Kyuubi or how much, but I figured Yamato just wouldn't bring it up anyway. And the same thing as last time, not sure about timelines and other little details, but it's a oneshot. Those things don't matter. Just read it, and hope along with me that my next two people will be ones I can actually write a PAIRING about.**

**- kina-chan**

* * *

**Sai AND the Sandaime (very marked difference!) **

"Sensei?" Sai asked Yamato falteringly from where he sat a few feet away. "Who was the Sandaime?"

Yamato looked up from the kunai he was cleaning off and frowned. "The Sandaime, Sai? He was Sarutobi, surely you know that."

"I do know that," Sai responded with a nod. "But…_who_ was he, exactly? What was he…like?"

"Oh, what he was like," Yamato said, finally catching on. He had been around Sai for some time now, it being two weeks after their long mission to the Grass Country. The new Team 7 had continued to work and train together, but on this particular day both Naruto and Sakura were occupied with other matters and Yamato was forced to train with Sai alone. The glass-eyed smile didn't bother him anymore, or his forced "casual conversation", but at various times he would suddenly remember Sai was still learning how to properly interact with his peers. And then there were times like these when the boy really threw him for a loop.

"There's not much I can say that you don't already know," Yamato said after a moment.

"But I don't know anything."

At this statement Yamato looked up from his kunai. "You don't know anything? What do you mean?" he inquired, a bit perplexed. How could anyone live in Konoha and not know anything about the Hokage, the leader of the village?

Sai's eyes dropped. "Well, you see, in Root all Danzo did was say bad things about him. And the way you and Naruto and Sakura speak when you mention him…I know not all of that can be true."

"I see," Yamato answered. He slowly twirled the kunai around in his hands for another moment before he spoke again. "Well, you know that he was chosen twice as Hokage, before and after the Yondaime?"

"Yes, I knew that from Danzo," Sai confirmed. "Was he a great ninja, then?"

"Yes. Yes, he was," Yamato replied. His face took on a sheen of recollection. "He was a great ninja. He definitely wasn't like the Yondaime—people still say that's the greatest ninja that ever came from Konoha. But he had patience, and wisdom, and trust, and the people's respect—that's what truly makes a great Hokage." As he finished he realized he was talking more to himself than answering Sai's question. Yet when he looked over at him, the boy seemed to be hanging onto his every word.

"But, sensei," Sai persisted. "Wasn't he strong? Shouldn't leaders be strong?"

"Oh, he was strong, I can tell you that," Yamato agreed. "In his time there was no one in all of the Fire Country who could match his skill." Yamato's eyes reverted back to his kunai. He spoke softly now. "Maybe it was his strength, and all that trust of his that eventually led one of his students to surpass him—at least, in that particular battle."

Sai's face darkened. "He was killed by the man Sasuke is with." It was not a question but a statement.

Yamato nodded slightly. "Yes." For a few minutes the only sounds in the clearing were of the birds in the trees and the nearby brook as teacher and student collected their thoughts. Eventually Yamato broke the silence.

"Didn't Danzo tell you _any_ of this?"

Sai shrugged. "He may have," he said in a detached tone, tracing his finger in the dust of the dirt floor. "I just didn't know what was important."

Yamato stared off in the direction of the village. If he strained his eyes he could just make out the likenesses carved into the stone face of the mountain. "The Sandaime was truly a great man, Sai. That's what you should know."

"Did you love him?"

The sudden, blunt question nearly made Yamato drop his kunai. "Did I—what do you mean?" he asked, not at all sure. This was Sai, after all, and a question from Sai could have multiple meanings.

Sai looked uncertain. "I read a book about an emperor. It said that all the people loved the emperor. Did you love the Sandaime?"

"Oh." As always, Yamato had eventually figured out what Sai meant in his rather roundabout way of speaking. "Yes, I did love him. Almost everyone did. He was our rock, our protection. He was the one who kept things going, and knew when it was time for things to stop. And after—" he checked himself. "After an incident some years back, he was a big factor in bringing our village back to peace and prosperity. You don't find men like him often."

Sai's gaze was fixated on nothing in particular. "I wish Danzo had told me about him," he mused to himself.

Satisfied his kunai were clean, Yamato gathered them up off the ground and stood up to stuff them back into his pouch. "Continue with our training now?"

"Okay." The pair walked to the center of the clearing and began to take their stances for a quick sparring match. Before Yamato could say the words to begin, however, Sai interrupted. "Sensei?"

Yamato lowered his hands from his stance. "Yes, Sai?"

Sai granted him one of his familiar mask-like smiles. "Thank you for telling me."

* * *

**So, yeah. Nothing too spectacular, and I don't like it as much as the last one, but there really wasn't much I could do. Sai's a tricky character to write, but I tried to keep as much in character as possible. Review, please!**


	4. Orochimaru x Anko

**Haha. When I pulled out the two names...Orochimaru and Anko…I laughed. The only stories I've read of them have just been incredibly angsty poems filled with yelling and betrayal. The others creep me out to much to even open. :3 I knew this story was going to be creepy, though—this is Orochimaru we're talking about! Evil guy! If it's not creepy…what is it?**

**So, yeah. This takes place while she's still his student…I don't know how old she is, and I'm not sure I want to (like I said, this is Orochimaru…ehehe). I seriously considered putting in something about the curse seal, but decided to leave it without...I don't feel like working on it anymore. :3**

**Just please don't take the word "touch" in a dirty sense or anything, I'm talking about nothing more than simple physical contact.**

**I've never really written anything like this, and maybe that's a good thing…?  
**

**- kina-chan**

* * *

**Touch - Orochimaru x Anko**

He doesn't touch anyone else, as far as she knows. He's not like the other jounin, who clap each other's backs in greeting and firmly shake hands when they part. Her master scorns such unnecessary contact. He does not join in their frequent sparring sessions, either. When her master fights, he fights to kill.

Which she has seen him do countless times—too many times. In some ways he's like her when he kills. She would prefer to play with her target, taunt them, tease them, remain just out of reach until they're so vulnerable she can't _not_ finish them off. They are similar in that respect until the very end. She chooses the quick and painless route to end the lives of her prey. He delights in his victims' agony—their stupidity of dying. Then he calmly wipes their blood from his hands. They are nothing more than pawns in his deadly game for power.

The only person he voluntarily touches is her. Standing behind her, he reaches around and places his cold fingertips on either side of her face. They remain there, stationary as he breathes onto her skin his designs for the future, his conquests, his goals. His frigid palms slither like snakes on the exposed area of her neck. The arms encircling her are not an embrace; they are merely closing her in. These simple touches send waves of ice up and down her back, sinking into her veins.

And his hands are always cold. As she feels them on her scalp, a sort of delicious chill seems to settle itself throughout her body. She does not know why these appendages of his are always frozen, just as she doesn't know why she's the one he chose.

Only one time when he touched her, his hands were warm, still dripping with blood from the battlefield. When he made contact with her before anything else, she knew that was the closest her master had ever come to needing to touch someone.

* * *

**Mneh. Can't wait (though scared) to start next one. :3 As always, review, please.**


	5. Deidara x Zabuza

**Ehehehe. You can't exactly call this shounen-ai, it's just...crack. Pure crack. Crack paring, crack story. I wasn't trying to make it particularly good, so don't pick on me. Just...yeah.**

**And sorry it took me so long to update; this story took a surprisingly long time to write and there was a bunch of other stuff in the way...**

**- kina-chan  
**

* * *

**Deidara x Zabuza**

Momochi Zabuza was unhappy. The other day, some stupid kid had caught his laundry on fire, so now he had no shirts to wear. It was cold without them. His zanbatou was rusty, but the villagers were so frightened of him they wouldn't give him any polish. Worst of all, he hadn't killed anyone in over a month. This was depressing and distressing to poor Zabuza.

The only bright spot in his life was Haku. In a world where people shied away from him and shot him withering glances from a distance, it was nice to have someone so…devoted to him. All he had to do was say the word and the kid would do anything for him. Anything. Haku washed Zabuza's dishes, took out his garbage, gave him shoulder rubs. He was even content to stay at the house and mend Zabuza's mangy, dishwater-grey socks while Zabuza himself went out to go practice slashing things. Yes, that Haku was a good kid.

"Maybe I should start paying him or something," mused Zabuza as he sat at his kitchen table, sipping his usual 5 AM cup of strong coffee. Thus began a five-minute inner battle where he struggled to decide whether it was unethical to give wages to someone who would do those things for you anyway. He had decided he'd just as soon keep his money when there was a loud banging on the front door.

_Who's that? It can't be Haku, that's too early even for him_, Zabuza thought as he picked himself up off the kitchen chair and dragged his body down the hall to the door. But when he opened it, a remarkable sight met his eyes.

The first thing he saw was blonde hair, loose and blowing in the wind. Then he saw the mesmerizing pale turquoise eyes. Finally his orbs rested on the fingernails neatly covered in nail polish. Purple nail polish.

"Who are you?" Zabuza grunted crabbily.

The person looked him in the eye and spoke with a smooth voice. "I'm Deidara. And I'm hungry, un."

Zabuza stared at them blankly.

The person groaned. "I want some food, un. What do you have?" Without waiting for an answer Deidara pushed past Zabuza into the house and made their way to the kitchen.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Zabuza yelled, quickly striding after them. "You little—" At that precise moment he realized he had no clue if this Deidara person was male or female. Without finishing his sentence, Zabuza ran into his kitchen to be greeted by Deidara's rear end—this being because the front end was buried somewhere in Zabuza's refrigerator.

"Get out of there!" Zabuza growled threateningly.

Deidara's face peered out from behind the fridge door. "Little what?"

"Ehh?"

"You were going to call me a little something, un. So what was it?"

This person was going altogether too fast for Zabuza. "A little—a little—I don't know!" Zabuza spluttered angrily. "Hell, I don't even know if you're a guy or a girl!" The words escaped from his mouth before he could realize what they were.

Deidara's eyes blinked once, twice. "I'm a guy, un," he said placidly. Then his eyes shifted from Zabuza's face, and Zabuza was suddenly reminded that he didn't have a shirt on. As though he noticed this now too, Deidara closed the fridge door and sidled up to the swordsman. "I could be a girl, too…un," he whispered.

Then as Zabuza stared at him, horrified, a new voice broke into the void. "Zabuza?" it called. "I'm here to do your morning foot massage." It was Haku. Zabuza felt unable to respond.

He could hear Haku coming down the hallway. "Zabuza? Where are you?" Then he entered the kitchen. "Zabu—"

There was a noticeable silence during which some crickets conveniently chirped.

Zabuza was uncomfortably aware of just how close Deidara was to him. "Hey, Haku," he said awkwardly. Then a second look at Haku's face startled him as he saw an unfamiliar blackness in Haku's large, limpid eyes.

"Who's this?" Haku asked slowly.

"Yes, Zabuza, who's this?" Deidara drawled, taking ahold of Zabuza's arm. "Your…daughter, un?"

Zabuza recoiled and pulled his arm away. He was about to retort something when Haku stepped up in front of Deidara.

"No, I am _not_ his daughter!" Haku said through clenched teeth.

Deidara ambled away and opened one of Zabuza's cupboards. "Are you his girlfriend, then?" he asked candidly.

"_No_," Haku replied, cheeks flushing.

"His wife, un?"

_"NO!"_

"I'm, uh, going to the bathroom," Zabuza mumbled, desperate to make a getaway. As he…did his business, he could still hear the squabbling coming the kitchen. "I'm not a girl!" Haku was screaming when Zabuza washed his hands.

He came out of the bathroom to see Haku staring at Deidara angrily, face red as a beet and hands balled into two fists. Deidara, meanwhile, was still going through the cupboard and throwing out items at random.

Haku turned to Zabuza unhappily. "Zabuza, I don't like this person," he wailed. "Make them go awaaaaaaay!"

"Er," said Zabuza. He swiveled to face Deidara. "Uh, where did you come from, anyway?" He winced as an airborne cracker box grazed his cheek bone.

Deidara pivoted to stare Zabuza squarely in the face. "I was once of the village known as Iwagakure, un," he sighed in a tragic tone. "But then they discovered my secret nail polish factory in my basement, and then, well, things got dicey…."

"Secret nail polish factory?" Zabuza and Haku repeated in unison, identical looks of incredulity on their faces.

"That's what I said," Deidara confirmed with a nod. "Apparently there was something wrong with that…so yes, then they kicked me out of the village and labeled me a missing-nin, and so," he paused dramatically, "I am just a wanderer, un."

"Hold on." Haku's voice was unusually tight. "What gives you the right to just walk in here and act like you own the place? That's right, nothing! You can't just do whatever you want—you don't even have a connection with Zabuza!" His voice was growing higher in volume and tone with every word he said. "You don't sweep his floor, I do! You don't scrub his toilet, I do! You don't live your life for him, I do!" He took a deep breath. "You don't—even—give him—MORNING FOOT MASSAGES!" The last syllable ended with a shriek.

Zabuza blinked.

Deidara, meanwhile, shrugged nonchalantly. "Not my problem, un," he said, turning back to the cupboard.

Haku, Zabuza could tell, was about to explode. "Er, Haku?" he said tentatively, hoping the boy wouldn't go all crazy Makyō Hyō Shō on him unexpectedly. "It's not a big deal, really."

"But…but Zabuza," Haku sniffed. "Zabuza, you don't _understand_…." However, before he could finish he was interrupted by a loud exclamation from Deidara.

"BOOM!"

Zabuza and Haku swung around to see Deidara twirling in a circle, clutching a package to his chest.

"What has he got?" Haku whispered.

"Old firecrackers," Zabuza muttered back. "I've had them forever, I swiped them when I was a kid…."

"BOOM!" Deidara cried again. Without warning he raced down the hallway and burst out the front door, Zabuza and Haku close behind. In the blink of an eye he had all twenty-seven firecrackers lit and ready to go.

"Do something!" Haku yelled frantically.

"I can't now!" Zabuza shouted in desperation. All he could see was the slightly mad expression in Deidara's cyan eyes.

Then an instant later, BANG! All the firecrackers went off at once. The sound was so loud that Zabuza was sure his nearest neighbours—five miles away—could hear it. Haku screamed and grabbed onto Zabuza wildly as sparks and fragments rained down around them.

Finally the din ceased. A circle of ashes surrounded Deidara. "Boom, un!" he said giddily.

Zabuza cracked his knuckles.

Abruptly Deidara was on the road by Zabuza's yard. "I'm leaving now!" he cried happily as he began to jog away.

"But where?" Zabuza questioned helplessly.

"To some place where they appreciate my nail polish making skills, un!" the reply came. "Haku, you'd make one sexy chick! And Zabuza, you're hoooooot…." The voice faded away as Deidara disappeared into the sunrise.

The two individuals in the yard blinked. Then Zabuza slowly revolved to survey the damage. Besides a few scorch marks on the house, everything seemed to be intact.

"He even blew up the flower garden," muttered Haku in consternation. Zabuza stared at him. "What?"

"Since when do I have a flower garden?" Zabuza inquired blankly.

A faint blush appeared on Haku's otherwise pale cheeks. "Oh, you were off training, and I thought it would make the yard look more…home-y," he mumbled half-heartedly.

Zabuza grimaced and cleared his throat. There was an awkward silence which the crickets promptly filled up.

Haku's blush deepened as he moved closer to Zabuza. "I _could_ be your daughter, you know…."

* * *

**Please don't kill me. XD I'm afraid it's going to be a while longer for my next one, as I have to write a short story for English...difficult when all I've been writing is oneshots for the last week or so. So I'm not even pulling out the next two names until I'm done the rough draft of my story. Sorry, peoples.**

**As always, review, please!**


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